Doug was home sick today with a cough and cold. He slept in the other room last night so he wouldn't keep me awake. We're hoping I don't catch this cold right now. I slept quite well, but today I was extremely tired. Went to the hospital yet again this week for an ultrasound on my mastectomy site; still having some problems with it. The radiologist remembered me after I told him that I was the one who almost fainted last October when he tried to perform a core biopsy. "Oh, yes, you're the one we put in the hall for awhile! We remember you." Yes, that's me. I told him that I guess I knew that I had breast cancer that day, and the reality of it all scared me.

B. came to see me this morning for a visit, and returned awhile later with a "hang in there" stuffed animal. He is hanging from the kitchen cupboard door. I keep looking at my "Hang in There" card, trying to remember this when I'm feeling low, like I am today. This afternoon, Doug and I had a long conversation about our situation. More tears are coming now, which is difficult for me. I don't want to lose control. I want to be strong and full of faith. But, I realize more than ever that I am human, and totally dependent on God and His plan for me. I guess I've been disappointed with God a bit, wondering why He didn't protect me from this disease. Or was it my own doing? So many questions that I have no answers for. I want to be cancer free forever, and not worry about whether it will reappear at some time. I'm tired. And I was even more tired after crying for awhile. My husband is so kind and encouraging—what would I do without him? He covered me up with a fleece blanket and I drifted off into a deep sleep. When I awoke, we watched Extreme Makeover, about a woman police officer who got shot in a robbery incident. She was paralyzed from the neck down and is spending her life in a wheelchair. She had a policeman husband and a little girl. I could identify with her tears, yet her situation is much worse. I didn't get to see her new house as it was a "to be continued" episode, but I'm sure it will be fantastic.

If you're praying for me, please pray that I be encouraged and have hope – hope to get through this next few months of treatment, and hope for the future. I know He has a plan for me, and a future, and plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but when you're tired and not feeling so great, it's hard to remember that. I can feel prayers, and I need them right now. Please continue to pray for my blood test on Friday – that the white cells come back to normal.

My friend D. reminded me today of something my mother always said to me, "things will look better in the morning." Good advice, Mom. Thanks.