Thursday

Peace beats fear, just like rock beats scissors in the game Rock, Paper, Scissors. "Peace covers over fear like paper covers over rock," my RCMP son-in-law mused. Exactly. Peace is what we need in this world of toil and trouble. And isn't this the season of peace? When Christ came and dwelt among us, to give us peace on earth, goodwill to all men? " O Come, O Come Emmanuel" – God with us.

I had to ask for Emmanuel's peace a few times today, to calm my troubled heart. The first time while having pelvic and abdominal ultrasounds; looking at the screen and seeing my innermost parts illuminated and captured on film. I am well, I am OK, nothing else is wrong, Jesus help me. Calm my fears.

The next time was in Dr. B's office. While waiting to go in, the previous patient came out to sign forms so she could have surgery. I could definitely tell she was a cancer patient – the scarf, the sallow skin. She was accompanied by her young daughter and her friend, and they began to discuss her permission for surgery form, her previous diagnosis and the drugs she was on. It definitely was not what I wanted to hear. Doug knew it bothered me. We went in to prepare for the drainage of my wound site (for the second time). So of course, I wasn't in a good mental state when I donned the Johnny shirt in preparation for the drainage (which is another thing I need to ask for peace for!). But Dr. B. is so wonderful and you feel so calm in her presence. She drained my site and told me I need to come to the hospital on Boxing Day to get it drained again. She will be on call that day, and it will need it by then. Boxing Day. That day, Natalie, Josh & Baby Aiden leave to go back to Manitoba. And we will have our Christmas meal that day at my mother's. And I will go to the hospital as well. I started to cry a bit, and Dr. B. comforted me – "go get ready for Christmas, it will soon be here. Enjoy yourself." You're right, Dr. B., I need to make the most of it. Just a bit overwhelmed, that's all, especially after what happened in the waiting room. Pull yourself together, Deb, call out for Emmanuel's peace and move on. So I did.

Came home, and the phone was ringing when I walked in the door -- from M., from Bahamas – "hold on to the Word, Deb. Hold on to the Word." I will. I bundled up in my parka and went for a walk in the new fallen snow. I love snow. "Snow means slow" – any of you remember the old TV commercial that said that? I use it with my music students sometimes, to try and get them to slow down a bit, plus confuse them at the same time. Snow meant slow for me today – I walked quite slow, studs on my boots so I wouldn't slip and slide. Sauntered on home, a bit tired – think I went too far. Had a coffee and some lunch. Vacuumed a bit (yes, I did, someone has to work around here!). Tried to fix my drain site bandage as the tape came off while I was vacuuming. (Perhaps I shouldn't have?) So I improvised. What would I do if I was on Survivor and needed to tape my chest? I went to my trusty junk drawer – green painter's tape, yes, that will work, and proceeded to tape away. When all else fails, use painter's tape. Doesn't look very good, but it will do in a pinch, and I was in a pinch. The tape held me together all day – Doug brought home some proper medical tape that I will apply. "Breath of heaven, hold me together, I sing." Or, "Green painter's tape hold me together."

I don't understand why people are so generous to me. This morning, two little cinnamon gingerbread men ornaments arrived at my door, made by the two little girls next door (C. takes care of them in the daytime). They think I have a cold and that I needed them for my tree. And that I will soon recover my from 'cold.' I need to get a Christmas tree now. Natalie has that planned for tomorrow. I wonder if Doug will help? He has a struggle with a tree every year. Someday I hope he can get over that and join in the 'tree' festivities. Doug, are you listening?

C. also brought us fresh homemade bread. There it was, leaning on the stove when I got back from my walk. I opened my mail and was blessed by the cards and letters I received. A letter from W., who has known me from childhood. She encouraged me to keep writing and being my 'zany self.' Thanks, W. They also have gone through cancer in their family and are now on the other side of the 'mountain.' And then another letter from L. from Boiestown, who had gone through breast cancer many years ago. She told me to keep a positive attitude. I will remember that. Someone remind me when I don't have one. I bowed my head and cried/prayed – "thank you, Lord, for the generosity of people – they are so kind to me, so encouraging."

I wrapped presents for a long time today, and experienced great peace. Emmanuel had come. The OT director dropped by with encouraging stories from people she hobnobs with. She brought the day's project – a bag of cloves and an orange. She showed me what I was to do – make a pomader ball. She started to work on the activity. You work on it, Deb. Yes, I'll try. Haven't got to it yet, but Natalie did a few cloves. Sure smells good. Think I should hang them all over the house. Nat & Josh came home this evening. I fed Baby Aiden. I don't think he knows me, he's been gone three days. Looks like he gained 10 pounds this week. Janet White #1 dropped by with a new copy of Mamma Mia, which I have been anxiously waiting to see. I thanked her for the Christmas present – "No, Deb, this is just because you're you." Again, generosity and thoughtfulness. S. came by with more Pad Thai – I had just finished eating one when she arrived with two more. I feel like I'm going to have a never-ending stash of Pad Thai.

Well, it's time to go to rebandage myself and go to bed. It's been a long day – of fear and peace. But peace beats fear, and I choose peace. "Peace covers over fear like paper covers over rock." Goodnight, RCMP officer on the couch reading your military book….I feel quite protected right now knowing you're here.

Hey, a Crest Whitestrips ad just came on. Just remembered that I didn't get my second application put on my teeth today. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. The strips will come out tomorrow.