This morning, I removed the bandage that Dr. B. applied on Friday, after draining my wound (I'm still the English patient). The swelling has reduced somewhat, but Dr. B. may have to drain it again later in the week. It feels like a bad sunburn, coupled with bruising, but hey – when you go through the war, a soldier expects to get injured. I need to exercise my arm more in order to stretch the scar tissue. I stretched it the wrong way today while putting my arm in my coat, let out a scream and sat down to recover, thinking I had done something to it. Still intact. Need to be more careful, I guess. I have slowed down to slow-mo in everything I do; can't imagine I would ever be doing everything SO slow!

So much has happened to me today, that I need the night to process it, and will write more tomorrow. I want to tell a story about two "BELIEVE" angels I received today, and how God used them to give me hope in this storm (and some other things).

I'm in a waiting game: calls from the hospital for all the x-rays and scans I will have before starting chemo, a call from oncologist Dr. R., and another visit to surgeon Dr. B. (have I written that she's the greatest?). I'm sure Dr. R. will be great as well (someone very special told me that I will love him, too. D. S., the special dietitian visited with food this past Saturday, and told me she will be my oncology dietitian. She is "waiting for me" to come to the unit. I was so blessed by that.) God is placing people everywhere to help me get through this 'adventure.'

Today, I have been pondering Acts 28, where the Apostle Paul was bitten by a snake on the island of Malta. Paul shook off the snake and went on with his work. The people on the island saw it happen, and expected him to swell up and die. Yet he did not, even though the FACT is that if one is bitten by a poisonous snake, serious things happen inside the body. Why didn't the snakebite kill Paul? Because the TRUTH of God was working – God was not finished with Paul yet, so the snake had no effect on him. Paul SHOOK the snake off his body, and went on with the task at hand – building a fire.

I have been bitten by the 'snake' of cancer – people are watching me, expecting me to die perhaps, but if GOD isn't finished with Deborah MacDonald yet, the effects of the 'snake' will not harm her, and she will continue on with the work assigned to her – building fires on some remote island, perhaps.

Night.

Quite a day

This has been a good day; a good day filled with people. Had a bit of the blues around noon, as I lay on my bed. My wonderful son came upstairs and helped me through it, (my children are so awesome and wise). Then I came downstairs to see the babies. It's like babyland here this weekend. I love it. You have to watch where you step or sleep, as there is someone filling any available space in this cozy house we live in. Jon & Alicia & 3 babies left, and from mid-afternoon on til late evening, we had many friends visit. People think this tires me out, but it actually energizes me and keeps my mind off the waiting. I am HONORED that people would take the time out of their busy schedule, especially this time of the year, to come see me.

Once again, I have been encouraged today -- with visits, food and prayers. Even a couple of students came today, bearing gifts and letters, and played the piano for me. This evening, Mom, Brenda, Natalie and I played two games of Scrabble; I won one game. I WILL win this challenging game I'm playing in my life as well -- bit by bit, moment by moment. The game of life -- hmmm....ever heard of that one?

I heard recently that Christmas is two Thursdays from now. Really? One certainly views that in a different light, too. Gifts, decorating and all the trappings don't matter as much as they used to. What matters most is the gift of family and friends, and that I know the ONE who is the REASON for the season; the ONE who is getting me through this.

I must go practice sleeping now.

YouTube - Bill Withers - Lean on Me

YouTube - Bill Withers - Lean on Me

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...


Thanks, everyone, for letting me lean on you. I see God all around me -- in you....

deb
x0

What a day with family, and lots of playing with our four grandbabies. It truly takes my mind off my situation – perhaps I should start a daycare.

I must remember to stand on the word I felt God put in my heart on Nov. 10^th, the day I was diagnosed – "this sickness will not end in death." God puts it in my heart every so often, but fear likes to rear its ugly head and stare at me. I hate fear --- but God is greater than any fear, and I am learning to trust Him in this storm. We have to LEARN how to trust, you know. We have to practice trusting. Just like we practice piano or guitar – playing the same 'piece of music' over and over again until we perfect it. I need to 'perfect' trust.

I was encouraged by many things today, even though I woke up with great fear. I prayed early this morning, as I lay in a fetal position: "God, if I was a child and I was ill, would you care for me?" Then I realized that I am His child, and the great I AM is taking care of me. God is still God and He's still the God of me. I will "praise Him in this storm." He has brought me through EVERY storm we've encountered in our 30 years of marriage; will He not get me through this, too?

I'm very tired; I must go to bed. More later. Love to all.

This morning we went to the hospital and I had my surgery site drained in the outpatient department. Dr. B. extracted 200 ml of fluid and applied a new pressure bandage, which I will keep on until Monday. I'll have to go back and see Dr. B. next week to see if it needs to be drained again. Then Doug drove me over to my hairdresser, Sandy, who treated me with such kindness. She has worked with cancer patients, wigs, and the "Look Good, Feel Good" program for years. We talked about when my hair starts to fall out, that she will cut my hair short to my head, so that it won't be so hard to bear. Told me I had a nice-shaped head, and Loretta, another hairdresser told me I had a cute face. Wasn't that nice? D. picked me up and took me to see Mom & Dad for a few minutes. Then we came home for lunch. Natalie and Aiden were home from their visit to the doctor. I tried to sleep for an hour, but sleep never came. M. came over with a movie, "Fred Claus," and we chilled out for awhile. Then, a pleasant surprise – my sister Brenda and nephew Luke arrived from Shelburne, NS – a 7 hour drive. I was so excited. I've wanted to see her for a couple of weeks, and God knew the desire of my heart – He sent her today. She's here for a few days. She likes to clean; I like that. She likes to take care of me; I like that, too.

Natalie went to get her husband Josh at the airport, who was arriving from The Pas, Manitoba. Josh is an RCMP officer; he hasn't been home for three years. So the house started to fill. D. came after supper for a visit. Jon, Alicia, Afton, Jack and Ivy arrived after 8 pm, and then the old woman had a lot of babies in her shoe. She loved it. Afton charmed us with renditions of poems and stories she has memorized. She is a 'ham' like her Gram Deb. You don't need to watch TV with all these babies and toddlers to entertain you. We are blessed; our quiver is full; our house is full – someone is sleeping in every room and on every floor. And I love it. God is good to bring them to us this weekend. I have forgotten several times the condition I find myself in. Perhaps they should stay for a good long while.

The News

We met with Dr. B., my surgeon, this afternoon. She's the greatest. She told us news we definitely did not want to hear. Here it is:

• Tomorrow morning, I will go to the hospital to have my surgery site drained, as the fluid has not drained properly, and another pressure bandage will be applied. This explains all the pain I have been having
  
• The pathology showed that the tumour was 1 cm larger than previously thought. She thought it was 2.4 cm, but it was 3.5 cm, more aggressive than they thought
  
• Of 9 lymph nodes removed during surgery, 8 had cancer in them, surprising to us all. We couldn't believe this – "Are you sure this is my report?" I asked.
  
• I will be meeting with Dr. B again next week to check my surgery site
  
• Dr. B. has been in touch with Dr. R., the oncologist, and they devised a plan to get my treatment going as soon as possible
  
• I will undergo nuclear scans and tests this month to prepare me for chemotherapy
  
• I will meet with the oncologist as soon as possible
  
• Treatment will be aggressive chemotherapy for four months (5-6 treatments) starting in January, followed by radiation therapy in Saint John for a month. Dr. B. said I would need nine months to recover properly
  
• She said I can't work, due to the intensity of the treatment. I am very disappointed.
  

  
   

  Doug, Natalie and I were dumbfounded. I looked at them after Dr. B. left the room, and said, "God is still God." We came home. Natalie went to get Baby Aiden at Wendy & Dave's house (Josh's parents); Doug worked on the furnace problems he's been having in our house today; and I went for an hour + walk, talking to God the whole time, just like you'd talk to your good friend (because He is my good friend). When all else fails, walk – walk and pray. Walk until you're done walking. I'm going to be doing a lot of walking in the next few weeks, just like Forest Gump.
  

  I asked Him for strength, for peace, for no fear, for no sickness, all those things. I asked Him questions, but received no answers. I definitely need strength to go through this; I don't want to go through it, but what choice do I have? I cried a little bit, and placed my life in His hands – my life is His, not mine. Then I thanked God and I praised Him – I need to praise Him in this storm, I have to – what choice do I have? I don't know what to do. But He knows the plans He has for me – plans to prosper me and not harm me. I am God's child – Daddy's brave little girl.
  

  My mother drove by me while I was walking and crying. She stopped; I got in her car; she held me and cried with me; brought me home and fed me some supper. D. came, then many friends who had heard and felt called to come and sit with us. We are blessed. And many phone calls from those who love us, and whom we love dearly. We are blessed. What would we do without all of you who are praying and supporting us, and helping to carry this burden?
  

  I need to remember that God is in control, and that with God all things are possible.
  

  When we win, we praise Him; when we lose, we still praise Him. (Facing the Giants movie). I'm going to beat this cursed disease of cancer; He will help me; YOU will help me with your prayers and support. You will help us – our whole family, and for that we are truly grateful.
  

  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, give thanks….even this. I read this tonight again in Phil. 4, and said, "Thank you" to God – He said to give thanks in everything.
  

I glanced at myself in the mirror tonight and what came to my mind was a picture of Mary Tyler Moore. I used to love watching that show, and the song that they would sing at the end of the show. Remember how it went? "You're gonna make it after all." I want to see if I can order a season of that show, just so I can watch the ending of each episode.

I'm going to get myself a tam, and throw my tam into the air, just like Mary Tyler Moore did. Mary made it. Deb is going to make it – after all. Praise God.

 

Woke up late today; what a strange thing to stay in bed until you're done sleeping. And to stay in your PJs until you want to get dressed. I put my earrings on for the first time since the surgery. I still don't have my rings on, not even my wedding band; don't know why I haven't put them on. Don't want any encumbrances, I guess. Maybe tomorrow.

I love crafts but never have had the time to do any. This week has been occupational therapy week (at least in my house). Received a package in the mail today from Angie, an amazing primitive art crafter, who put together some unfinished ornaments she made, tole paints, paintbrushes, directions and even some M & M's to munch on while I create. I'm in the business of promoting Angie's talent. I adopted her as my daughter last year. I adopt a lot of daughters. I love daughters. And sons – I have a few sons out there as well.

E. came to see me, bearing gifts as well. She brought me a whole collection of Christmas books to read. One story she recommended is called Gold, Circumstance and Mud by Rex Knowles. I wonder what that's about? I'll read it tonight. Another fascinating book she brought: An Orange from Portugal: Christmas Stories from the Maritimes and Newfoundland. I'm glad I live in Eastern Canada – God's country. Christmas Meltdown caught my eye, as I had a meltdown yesterday. E. is a retired teacher; once a teacher, always a teacher; bringing her friends some books. How precious. Thanks, E. We have a lot in common. We work together with children at church. (I miss children; I miss my students, too). We had a great chat and some laughs.

The OT director came with the day's craft, the stitching of snowmen. I love making snowmen. I remember years ago when the OT director and I made 150 snowmen for all my students. That was a crazy December, what were we thinking? I always make something 'snowmanish' in December. S. arrived and had some tea and cake. She also brought me Pad Thai (I was having a craving for it), which we put in the freezer. C. brought supper and a gluten-free chocolate cake. I was touched. It requires a lot more energy to make gluten-free sweets; I know, I've been eating this way for 15 years now. I think I need an exercise program soon. I've not eaten regularly for years, due to my irregular schedule, and now I have three meals a day! I have a trampoline downstairs, but not sure if I can jump and down yet (smile). C. from next door just stopped by with a snowman angel! And she didn't even know I was making snowmen today. God is good; He knows every detail and our heart's desires.

Today is one month since I was diagnosed – 30 long, hard days. Seems like forever. Yet so much has happened in this month – doctors' visits, all my careers have been 'stopped in their tracks,' mastectomy surgery and recovering from that trauma – the English patient. And waiting – SO much waiting – always waiting for the next step in the process. These past two weeks, I have been waiting to recover and now am waiting to go to see the surgeon tomorrow, Dr. B., the best surgeon in the world, I think -- for her to check out her handiwork, make sure I'm healing correctly, and give us the results of the pathology report. I have to admit I don't want any more bad news – who does? I'm asking God that there be no more cancer – anywhere, no further treatment, no fear, and that He would grant HIS peace, the peace that passes all human understanding.

Tomorrow afternoon – 3:20 p.m. – if you're reading this, will you pray for good results? I know that we are not to worry – I tell this to people all the time. One of my favorite passages comes from Phil. 4. Listen to it from the message:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, (don't you love that?), letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

I MUST shape my worries into prayers. Then let God settle me down. A good word for me today, and tomorrow and the day after that and so on….

Coming at you from the lazy brown chair, is the not-lazy Deborah….

Today, I played the piano twice – morning and evening. This morning, I played Impromptu in Eb Major by Schubert, a Grade 10 piece, in its entirety (9 pages). Never accomplished this before; It was always too challenging to me, but not today, I was determined to make it to the finish line. I was so pleased when I plunked down the final chord. I did it! Can I get through things that are hard? You bet I can. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," even when they are challenging.

After that challenge, I plunked myself in the lazy brown chair and listened to "The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky. I 'googled' Tch – found out that he was not that satisfied with this composition. That though he accepted the commission, he did not particularly want to write it. He wrote to a friend while composing the ballet: I am daily becoming more and more attuned to my task. (Wikipedia.org/wiki/The Nutcracker#History)

Am I becoming more and more attuned to what's ahead? I hope so.

This afternoon, the OT director brought a gingerbread house for Natalie to build. My mom came and made her famous almond brittle candy in my kitchen, right in front of our eyes, and J. came to vacuum, have tea, chocolate and candy, and to dance to Dancing Queen. I joined her, and we have it on tape. I like to see people dance to that song. It makes me happy. I love to dance; just like I love to laugh. Except at 4:30, I had a meltdown and cried for about an hour. M. came and called a friend who has cancer and I talked to her, crying the whole time, but she encouraged me – God IS faithful and He will never leave me. I dried my tears and played with baby Aiden. Nothing like a baby's laugh to bring you back to smiling again. When all else fails, play with a baby.

D & R brought a fabulous dinner, complete with a delicious gluten-free blueberry cake with brown sugar sauce. Even brought me the recipe so I can make it later. Yum! I feel so special. I can't get over the generosity of people who take the time to make us meals and travel great distances to bring them here. And the cards and emails of encouragement I receive – I am still overwhelmed that people would actually take the time; it blows me away.

I don't like meltdowns; they put a bit of a downer on the day, don't they? And it isn't even Monday. Tomorrow will be better.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go (Josh. 1:9)

My Dad came to see me this morning, to see how I was doing today. He hugged me and said, "It's so sad, isn't it? You're going to get better. I think you are." I replied, "If you pray for me, I will. If my Daddy prays for me, I will." Then we went into the music room and worked on the piece of the puzzle that is missing – tracing around the shape, hoping that Mom will be able to paint a new piece that matches. If only life were that easy – there would be a whole of paintin' goin' on. Missing puzzle pieces in our lives.

Whom have I but You, Lord? You have the missing puzzle piece, don't You?

Whom Have I But You

(David Ruis)

Whom have I but You
Whom have I but You

Though mountains fall
They fall into the sea

Though my coloured dawn
May turn to shades of grey

Though questions asked
May never be resolved

Copyright © 1996 Mercy/Vineyard Publishing. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Things you can do if you find yourself 'shut in':

• Decide when you wake up that you want to make paper snowflakes and cover them with glitter; call the OT director and ask her to find a pattern
  
• Have your daughter treat you to a spa in your home, complete with facial, hand massage, nails, and calf rubdown, while she makes you laugh hilariously, as she pretends to be a spa owner
  
• Eat grilled tuna melts with vegetable havarti cheese
  
• Sit at the kitchen table (turned craft room) and make paper snowflakes with glitter for all your friends to enjoy when they come to visit (you get to take one home if you visit, so come)
  
• Watch your mother iron the paper snowflakes
  
• Watch your daughter and husband vacuum up the glitter for a very long period of time, while you play with a baby in the chair
  
• Enjoy tea, peanut butter cookies and clementines
  
• Have your daughter work on most of the new puzzle you started yesterday, and after a wonderful salmon dinner (dropped off by A.), finish the puzzle and feel you have accomplished something
  
• Read the comic strips in the newspaper, along with the daily news (you must stay connected with your city, as you cannot get 'out and about')
  
• Watch your daughter hang the snowflakes around the house ("The Hanging of the White"). If you come down to my house in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise – a snowflake to take home to adorn your own abode
  
• Put on your evening pajamas in preparation for an evening movie
  
• Knit a bit, tear it out, knit some more, tear it out; then change yarns completely, knit a bit, tear it out and start all over again
  

  
   

  These are a few things you could do if you ever find yourself 'shut in,' for whatever reason. They say, "time heals all wounds." I believe that to be true. I'm going a bit 'stir crazy.' Just a bit – can you tell?
  

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want of things to do, even when I'm shut in…. The next thing is to go to sleep and read some more of "The Friday Night Knitting Club," which inspires me to keep knitting, even though I tear out most of what I knit. Doesn't matter, it gives me something to do, and it's good therapy for my healing muscles in my arm. Good night all.

A Song at Midnight

 
 

Behold, I am near at hand to bless you,

and I will surely give to you out of the abundance of heaven.

For My heart is open to your cry; yes,

when you cry to Me in the night seasons,

I am alert to your call, and when you search after Me,

the darkness will not hide My face;

it will be as the stars which shine more brightly in the

deep of night.

Even so it shall be.  In the night of spiritual battle,

there I shall give you fresh revelations of Myself,

and you shall see Me more clearly than you could

in the sunlight of ease and pleasure.

Man by nature chooses the day and shuns the night;

but I say to you,

I shall make your midnight a time of great rejoicing,

and I will fill the dark hour with songs of praise.

Yes, with David, you shall rise at midnight to sing.

It has been written, "Joy comes in the morning,"

but I will make your song break out in the night.

For he who lifts the shout of faith and praise in the night,

to him there shall be joy in the morning.

(Come Away My Beloved by Frances Roberts)

Things I have learned and/or experienced this day:

• I have to accept this place in my life. I don't understand it, but I must trust God.
  
• "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:2)
  
• "The Father is never closer to the vine than when He is pruning it" (A Bend in the Road, by David Jeremiah).
  
• I have two choices – struggle against it, or accept it and let it train and strengthen me.
  
• I love snow, and it snowed ALL day.
  
• The times when plants grow the most are during fierce winds and raging storms. The plants reach further down into the soil. I'm reaching down deep.
  
• Instead of "Why?" or "Why me?" I need to ask "What" questions – "What would You have me do?" or "What are You trying to teach me?"
  
• I loved the quiet of the day – falling snow on pine trees in my yard, silent snowflakes.
  
• I loved my nap in my lazy brown chair while I was alone for a couple of hours.
  
• Psalm 71 is for me right now.
  
• Harry Connick, Jr. has very complex piano music.
  
• I love receiving gifts, especially red pajamas and pewter hearts.
  
• I watched ½ hour of an old movie, "The Boy with Green Hair," and somehow applied it to my situation.
  
• "Fly Away Home" movie about a father and his daughter caring for and training Canada geese to fly south touched me.
  
• I didn't have the heart to watch football today, for some reason (I LOVE football).
  
• I played a tune on the guitar for the first time, because Doug asked me to.
  
• It's OK to start yet another puzzle, pack it back in the box because it's too difficult, and start one we actually completed a few years ago.
  
• It's OK to start knitting a scarf with 27 stitches (size 10 U.S.) needles, knit the complete ball, unravel it, cast on 18 stitches instead, and start all over again.
  
• I loved my nighttime Winter Wonderland stroll around the block with my hubby, my arm clutching his with an iron grip. I even took pics.
  I made a snowball but not a snowman.
  
• I love broccoli.
  
• I soon hope I won't keep Tylenol and Advil in business.
  
• 8-month-old Aiden loves to stand up and is very determined to stand.
  
• "Each new day is like an ocean wave returning to the shore – you have no idea what it will bring…" (excerpt from a card I received today).
  
• The sun will come up tomorrow.

Super Saturday

A 'normal' Saturday for me is to be somewhere else than in my home. Off doing a retreat, or visiting with someone. This Saturday, and the past three Saturdays, have been rather unusual for me, to say the least. I am still having pain and discomfort from my mastectomy site, lymph node site and drain site, and am still on my regimen of Tylenol and Advil every four hours. I am tired of sitting in the chair, however, I had a bit of reprieve from the chair for a time today.

After spending the morning in the chair, reading Scripture, writing in my journal and cutting out comic strips that make me laugh, I had a late lunch – egg salad sandwich with market-bought Mexican and vegetable havarti (Doug & Randy graced me with gifts of cheese). A self-appointed occupational therapist showed up and made me decorate 5 gingerbread cookies. She then morphed into a chauffeur, and Natalie & Aiden joined us on an excursion to my parents to view their newly decorated Christmas tree, and on to the credit union so I could put some money in our account. This about all I could handle, so we ventured on back home. The seatbelt is a bit of a problem for me.

Into the lazy brown chair again, to watch "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" (the sequel to yesterday's movie). Dinner at 6, and then Doug and I watched "Christmas with the Kranks" while Natalie cleaned up the kitchen and did the laundry. What a daughter we have – so industrious. I knit some rows on the dishcloth I've been working on. The other day, all I could do was two rows, as my arm was too tired. Another movie came on – "Serendipity," and we watched that. I'm movied out right now. I knit a few more rows. The other day, J. gave me a fiction novel, "The Friday Night Knitting Club" – it's quite good so far. J. is my knitting kindred spirit. The book inspired me; J. inspires me to knit as well.

By 11:00 pm, I had finished the dishcloth and my arm is still working – I hope it's good therapy for my arm. I'm thinking I would like to offer this dishcloth up for auction, to raise funds for breast cancer. (it's not pink, but green, like bright moss). I know it's not much, but hey, someone might be interested in making a bid on this humble project for such a great cause.

Who wants to make the first bid? You can email me at debmac88@yahoo.ca and I will keep everyone posted as to how much money I raise, if any….

Anyway, that is Super Saturday here at my house. Tomorrow will be Sunday. Tomorrow will be Day 27 since I was diagnosed. I wonder how many days I will count until this process is over?

Walking With God

"Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him" (Gen. 5:24).

Enoch walked with God. I walk with God. I've always prayed that God would 'take me away' like he did Enoch – that I would not have to die physically. Enoch was 'unswerving' in his obedience to God. God rewarded Enoch's faithfulness by taking him to heaven while he was still alive. Death did not have the final word in Enoch's life. (Daily Bread for today). I need to remember that I have prayed this prayer for years. AND that DEATH will not have the final word in my life. Keep things in perspective, Deb.

So, today was another first. I took a short walk – up and down the street with D., as she pushed Baby Aiden in the stroller. Natalie took off on a few errands. A bit cold and a bit slow, it 'twas. Felt good. I guess it took a bit out of me, as I stayed in the chair the rest of the day. Tomorrow I will walk some more, and perhaps my wonderful hubby will take me for a Saturday drive to see the city streets. You know, I absolutely love to drive, and the thing I like to do the most is hop in the car and drive until I'm done driving. (Those of you who know me know driving is my therapy). Perhaps I'll get to drive next week, who knows? I'm a bit timid about it yet, as I drive a bit like a racecar driver (always wanted to be one), and I wouldn't be able to do my famous 360s or go around hairpin turns quite yet.

I saw the mail carrier coming in the driveway today and was so excited. Every day she drops those letters into the box, it's like Christmas for me. Cards are coming! Cards are coming! I never realized the value of receiving cards of encouragement 'til now. This day, however, she rang the bell – her name is Heather; she had a package and cards to bestow upon me. Wow. I met her at the back door because Natalie was somewhere else in the house. I told her my situation, and she told me about her sister who has cancer, too; she is a pastor's wife up north. H. spends as much time as she can with her sister. We talked about cancer being unfair, but how God is in control. I gave her my website/blogspot, and told her I would pray for her sister. I thought to myself later, "I'll put this on the blogspot and ask the people reading this site to add H.'s sister to their prayer list. Her name is Margie. Pray for Margie, as you pray for me. Pray that Margie be healed completely, like I will be.

Lots of cards from Campobello Island today. They are so special. My big package was from my 85-year-old friend, Vaughan from Campobello, who sent me a binder of his Sunday School lessons he taught on The Sermon on the Mount. Over the past couple of years, he has given me several single copies of lessons, and I cherish them all. This was a well organized binder with a note attached. "Hi, Deb, something for your lesson file….I cannot think of a person I would rather have them than you…I know you will put them to good use…praying for you…Vaughan & Sissy" (his beautiful wife). Wow. I cried as I read his note and his dedication inscription on the binder…"To Debbie from Vaughan, Love you Deb."

I am so touched that this man of God would send me his teachings. I am truly honored. Thank you Vaughan. I love you, sweet man.

Had some visitors this morning and this afternoon. I love having people drop by and just hang out (or make muffins, flower arrangements, Christmas trees, wash windows, watch movies, make dinner, etc.). Natalie and I instituted a new policy, though – if you come, you have to eat. Eat lots. Hungry? Come on over.

Watched "Cheaper by the Dozen" this afternoon. I always wanted a big family. Well, I guess I have one now. I have adopted several daughters and sons, sisters, grandparents, and mothers and fathers. I wished we all lived together. Well, I guess we will, someday, won't we? What a day that will be.

A bit discouraged in early evening and cried a little bit. The deep feelings are now starting to come to the surface and seeping out. Doug sat and encouraged me while I tried to eat my dinner through tears. Ever do this? Hard to taste your food when you're crying. He cleaned up the dishes and I put on "The Chieftains" (Irish music, for some reason), and started to put a puzzle together in the music room; only the end pieces, however – the middle is too hard to figure out (just like this middle chapter of my life). This activity made me too sleepy, so to the chair I went again – "Hello, Chair, you and I are getting to be good friends."

Doug's parents came and brought me a lovely Thomas Kinkade pink lady figurine with brown hair, just like me (Doug's mom pointed this out). It is from Kinkade's Inspirations of Hope Collection, and a portion of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research. Hmm, there is that word again--'hope.' Pink lady dons a parasol, a feather hat, and a ballgown, just like I do when I'm dressing up. I think I'm starting to like pink, though it never was my colour before. Is now.

C. called and told me to read the Introduction to Job in The Message Bible. Haven't got to it yet, but it's on my to do list for tomorrow.

My sister Brenda called and I talked with her at length. Good to hear from her; haven't spoken to her since last Saturday, but she checks my blogspot daily. Says she can't think of much else. I can understand; it would be the same if one of my two sisters was under the weather as well. That's what sisters are for, right? My sister Janet reads my progress as well, and I had a lovely visit from her on Sunday last. I love my sisters. I love my family. I love my friends. I love those who don't even know me. I love God. I love sleep, and I think that's where I should go right now. Ok, mind, now you shut down now. Another day is soon upon you.

Night.

Deb

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A Bend in the Road

Sometimes we come to life's crossroads,

And we view what we think is the end

But God has a much wider vision

And he knows that it's only a bend –

The road will go on and get smoother

And after we've stopped for a rest,

The path that lies hidden beyond us

Is often the path that is best.

So rest and relax and grow stronger,

Let go and let God share your load

And have faith in a brighter tomorrow

You've just come to a bend in the road.

("A Bend in the Road," by David Jeremiah)

It's Now Been One Week

Well, it’s now been one week since my surgery. I can’t sleep, so I guess I’ll get up; too many thoughts running through my mind. “If you could read my mind, love…” Oh, right, You can read my mind.

Last night, I sat on the edge of the bed – “Why me, Lord? Why this?” He spoke to my heart: “Because I can trust you.” Me: “I’m not sure if I want to be trusted.”

Yesterday, S. gave me David Jeremiah’s book, “A Bend in the Road.” She wrote in the front, “Deb, this is for your bend in the road.” You got that right – a big bend.

Here I am in the chair again. “Good morning, chair,” I said to the old brown lazy-boy chair. Reminds me of the “quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” I used to type when I was learning how to type and had to practice those words over and over again to improve my accuracy. Now this old fox (my maiden name is ‘Fox,’ believe it or not) has to practice sitting in a chair – it gets old and repetitious after awhile, but I must learn how to sit and rest.

What was I doing this time last week? Hmmm, let’s see – sitting in Day Surgery waiting for a mastectomy, feeling God’s peace. Do I still feel it? Yes – for now, and I pray forever. I don’t want any more bad news, Lord. Reminds me of the movie we watched a couple of weeks ago, “Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events.” You know what? I’ve had just about enough – no, let me rephrase that – I’ve had ALL the bad news I want to receive in my lifetime. I won’t go into it – those are OTHER chapters in my book. I think I’ve had my fair share, but I could be wrong.

Now, perhaps I need to think differently – it’s just my perception of things. Could everything be turned into good news? I know that God works everything for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and He has used the bad in my life for good, so….this will be, too.

Lord, take this cup from me, but not my will; Yours be done. Help me to cope. HOPE and COPE.

HOPE:
He
Offers
Promise
Everyday.

COPE:
Could He
Offer
Promise
Everyday? (Yes, He can)

Friends W. & J. gave me a HOPE hanging for my window. I just looked at it. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something.

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘Therefore I hope in Him.’ (Lam. 3:21-24)

I think I’m supposed to have hope.

Wow

It's late on Dec. 4/08, and I'm doing some archiving of old blog entries. I just happened to see what I wrote on January 1, 2008, and was a bit astounded to read what I wrote at the first of the year.

Well, it's January 1, 2008. A year of new beginnings. "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters" (Gen 1:1,2).

This is the beginning of the new year. I pray that God will take my formless and empty shell and hover over it, creating new and wonderful things in this year of our Lord 2008. The year 2007 was certainly chock-full of surprises, and I am sure 2008 will be no different. Instead of making resolutions that I will ultimately break, my prayer is that Christ be formed in me. Can I go wrong there?

2008 is certainly shaping up to be a year of surprises, now isn't it?

'Oh, to be out west sitting on a hay bale again'

POSITIVE THOUGHTS

 

On my way to bed last night, I thought perhaps I should think of some positive aspects of being 'set aside' in this time of recuperation. So, today I came up with this list. I'm sure I will think of more as time goes on. If you think of any, please let me know.

Positive things that happen to one who is recovering from a mastectomy:

1. You get to stay in pajamas all day and no one cares, not even you. You wear them until you decide you want to wear clothes again, and it's OK.
   
2. You can lie down or sit in a chair all day, every day, and you don't feel guilty – and no one judges you for being lazy.
   
3. Relax – and feel the difference – Yes, quite a difference from my previous pace.
   
4. There is no "what next?" other than, "I must have lunch or dinner," or "I must have a shower," or "I must stretch out in the chair and have a nap," or "I must read," or "I must watch TV," or "I must go to bed now."
   
5. People wait on you – you feel like a queen or a celebrity, you're not sure which.
   
6. You receive many wonderful cards, emails, flowers and gifts.
   
7. You build up your stash of chocolate for those cold winter nights.
   
8. You realize how wonderful your family is (especially your daughter and mother who clean your house and tend to your needs).
   
9. You realize the value of friendship and how your friends wait on you, too (and encourage you, of course).
   
10. You have time to think of others and pray for them.
    
11. You can watch old movies and appreciate movies from your youth, like "Charlie Brown's Christmas" and "Rudolph."
    
12. You have time to write.
    
13. You have time to register for fly-fishing retreats for breast cancer survivors, an elite group of which I am now a member.
    
14. You can research new ideas and stay as long as you like on a topic.
    
15. Your house gets cleaned (even your oven), and you didn't lift a finger.
    
16. Your laundry room gets decluttered by your mother, whom you tell you will 'love forever' after she offers to clean it for you.
    
17. You decide you want the energy of your mother when you get to be her age (not that she's old, because she isn't), and vow to keep yourself healthy like she is.
    
18. Your good friend D. goes to the deep woods and gathers branches and makes a Christmas arrangement for your verandah, and buys you the word "Angel" at the Dollar Store.
    
19. You can dance to "Dancing Queen" by Abba (albeit a limited dance due to your limited ability), and perform it for your friends. (It is on video, for limited release only. Send your requests to view via email). You keep the Abba CD playing all day long, as it takes you back to the time when you really were a dancing queen and could really dance.
    
20. You can listen to great music all day and do nothing but listen. Music that brings back memories of your teenage years when you were carefree and full of hope for the future.
    
21. You can watch your friends dance to "Dancing Queen" and see your daughter imitate your dancing (the 'Mom' dance, she calls it).
    
22. You receive beautiful new work-out clothing and bath stuff from your ministry partners.
    
23. You eat wonderful meals and never make a one of them.
    
24. You realize that playing the guitar may just become a whole lot easier.
    
25. You recognize that you have just completed one week of recuperation, and you feel better than you did one week ago.
    

Enough? Yes, enough for now.

Deb

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