I AM A SURVIVOR

Well, I've had a couple of minor breakdowns the past couple of days, with some tears. I saw The Pas Debbie at the grocery store this afternoon, hugged and said good-bye to her, and stood there and cried (imagine, crying at my favorite store). I shared with her my emotions of leaving The Pas and leaving Nat, Aiden and Josh, plus the fears that overtake me about my health. Debbie told me to continue to share my thoughts and feelings on the blog; that I was an inspiration. I struggle with crying but realize I'm still grieving, and grieving takes time. I talked to Doug and Natalie about it today, and that I just want to be able to accept what has happened and just move on, like I've moved on from all the other 'mishaps' that have happened in our 31 years of marriage. This one seems like a biggie to me, however, but you know what? Not to God. Cancer is not a biggie to God. I know that I've been pushing down my emotions, but they leak out, and just thinking about leaving Nat makes me cry. We've been parting for eight of her nine years away from home now, and it doesn't get any easier. Probably because we get closer and closer – as mother and daughter, and as mother and friend. Not once during this whole time have we got on each other's nerves or in each other's way. We just love being together.

I'm reading a novel called "Aprons on a Clothesline," based in Minnesota (hey, I was there just three weeks ago!), and a character in the book made a comment that I identified with: "I've been trying to keep ahead of the sadness in my heart." And, "I need to stop running and face the pain." Yup, that's what I've been doing, and I need to stop running away from the pain and shoving it down inside, and face the pain, deal with it, grieve it, and move on. Perhaps the pain will always be there, but in a lesser degree, just like grieving a loved one or a lost opportunity. I must remember that God is sovereign and He holds my life in His hands.

I'm preparing to do a womens' retreat in September. I'm calling it "More Than A Survivor II" (Part II, since I did one two years ago called "More Than A Survivor"). Some of my friends are helping me, and speaking as well. I've asked them all to think of what they have survived this past year and the lessons they have learned from it. I've only made a list of the things I've survived. Can't seem to get to the lessons yet, but I know there are many. Here's a list I made in my journal on August 12^th of the things I've survived this past year: Death and disease, mastectomy, chemo, radiation, hair loss, weight gain, pain, fear of dying (still struggling with that one), fear of treatment, loss of income and career, being set aside, loneliness (like no one understands what I'm going through kind of loneliness). I think that's quite a list, and I thank God that He has brought me through these things this year. Years ago, Jessica gave me a sticker that read "I am a Survivor." I thought that was true at the time, and even more so now.

I'm still studying Jonah, OT Director – every day the same passage. I'm keeping my end of the bargain, just wanted you to know. Got lots to share with you from my journal.

Well, Nat is making supper tonight (I bought a BBQ chicken at the grocery store, and some strawberries to go with the rice pudding she's making. Yes, the Ultimate Rice Pudding recipe, K. Mason). Doug has been working all day, but tomorrow we're going to celebrate my 50^th. "50," I can't believe it. I made it.

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me" (Psalm 30:2).